Watch Every Super Bowl 51 Movie Trailer, From Worst to Best

Last night’s Super Bowl showdown condensed a TV season’s worth of drama into one unscripted evening, but let’s be honest: You’re really watching grown men bash each other silly as an excuse to catch those brand-new TV spots for upcoming marquee-name movies, right? Right? (Just go with us here.) A cavalcade of new trailers for this year’s biggest blockbusters graced the air time in between sacks and fumbles last night, with eager fans getting an eyeful of fresh footage from the latest Fast and Furious and Transformers installments to the upcoming big-screen, don’t-hassle-the-Rock Baywatch movie. And yes, there will be new Guardians of the Galaxy footage for you Groot-loving kids. But don’t just take our word for it. Check out the complete lineup of the Super-Bowl 51’s new movie teasers, from the Black-Eyed-Peas-at-halftime bad to the the Prince-at-halftime great.

Life

What’s the deal?
We’re four decades out from Alien, and foolhardy astronauts are still trying to plumb the depths of outer space. And per usual, nothing awaits them but torture and destruction – this time, in the form of a sentient mold that evolves at a hyper-accelerated pace, stalking its discoverers and picking them off one by one.

How’d it do?
The final few seconds may offer the most bloodcurdling scream of the year, barely human in its choked yowl. The rest of it, however, looks like fairly standard space-horror. If this film wants to distinguish itself from Ridley Scott’s gold standard for the genre, the movie will have to bring a little more to the table than this..

Rating
You already start forgetting what you’ve watched before its half-minute is up. 2/10

Baywatch

What’s the deal?
As the trailer so plainly states, the men and women of Baywatch are there to … watch the bay. This freshening-up of the beloved Nineties TV series gathers another ensemble of fit, tanned specimens to defend the waters from no-goodniks. And the movie version goes the full buddy-movie route, casting Dwayne Johnson and Zac Efron as a 21 Jump Street-esque bro pair who get in over their heads while putting the kibosh on some water-logged crime.

How’d it do?
It’ll come down to your personal taste whether you find the gag with Efron’s star-spangled Speedo amusing or a groaner, but the “What do you mean, you people?!” line connects with a little more satisfaction. A few self-aware touches add to the fun, because after all, this wouldn’t be Baywatch without some bouncy, slow-motion running down the shore.

Rating
If that’s the best the movie can muster for a high-visibility promotion such as this, we’re a little worried. 4/10

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Men Tell No Tales

What’s the deal?
It’s been six long years since we last checked in with Captain Jack Sparrow, and while those intervening years have seen Johnny Depp’s public stock fall sharply, his most famous franchise appears to still have some life left. (Pun completely intended.) Javier Bardem steps in for the villain role as the black-toothed ghost pirate Captain Salazar, set out to destroy each and every competitor on the high seas. Also, the dead have taken over the seas, per a character’s expository dialogue, and are searching for Captain Jack. Our sodden seafarer’s only hope of survival is finding the rare and powerful Trident of Poseidon, and how hard could that be? The question is rhetorical.

How’d it do?
The little bit with the zombified seagull is fun enough, and the half-dead sharks circling in the briny deep look appropriately menacing. But the greatest enemy of this film will be the shadow of its former self; set to the strains of “Ain’t No Grave” by Johnny Cash (someone took a tip from an earlier Logan trailer), this teaser offers the same old displays of computer-generated grandeur, with pirates running across water and the seas cracking open like a canyon. Which is good and all, but … .

Rating
We may need a bottle of rum for this one. 4/10

Transformers: the Last Knight

What’s the deal?
Optimus Prime goes bad in the latest installment of Michael Bay’s giant-alien-robot–destructo-porn franchise. Amidst visions of a vague, CGI-heavy apocalypse, the Autobots are torn asunder when their leader turns on fan favorite Bumblebee, crushing his face into the hull of some manner of seafaring vessel. Meanwhile, Anthony Hopkins lends a bit of his gravitas to the exposition and Mark Wahlberg refuses to sell out his friends.

How’d it do?
If you enjoyed the previous Transformers films in all their expensive, deafening might, then this trailer should inspire plenty of prime optimism (get it?!?) for the next chapter. A battle pitting mecha-brother against mecha-brother, a little more background on just why these things keep landing on our planet and no fewer than three “That blowed up real good!” moments promise another loud, metal-crunching night at the movies.

Rating
It ain’t Shakespeare, but it knows what its audience wants. 5/10

Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2

What’s the deal?
The most lovable collection of lunkheads in the solar system reunites for another interplanetary adventure in this sequel to the breakout hit of 2014. Star-Lord, Drax the Destroyer, Gamora, Rocket Raccoon, and Groot (baby-size!) all check in, with former enemies Nebula and Yondu joining up as well as a newcomer named Mantis. They’ll be squaring off against space-armies and monsters galore. What more do you need?

How’d it do?
Using the roll-call format was a good move, giving all fans at least one solid moment with their personal fave, whoever that may be. The original lived and died wth its one-liners, however, and the “only he didn’t use frickin'” zinger feels like a tween’s effort to be subversive. Still, nice touch with the Fleetwood Mac tune.

Rating
They’re still hooked on a feeling. 6/10

Ghost in the Shell

What’s the deal?
Scarlett Johansson squeezes into the skintight bodysuit of Major Motoko Kusanagi in this high-gloss adaptation of the beloved 1995 anime. She keeps the streets of a futuristic Tokyo clear of cybercrime while facing dark threats on two fronts: a new enemy in the form of a spidery-looking geisha-masked automaton; and a government that may have some sinister secrets of its own.

How’d it do?
As we all learned from Spike Jonze’s Her, the concept of “sexy robot Scarlett Johnasson” is pretty much money in the bank. Whether leaping in slow-mo through a shattering pane of glass or laying out some poor sucker flat on his back in a river, she looks tough enough to pull the role off. Whether that will be enough to make people forget about the whitewashing backlash over the actress being cast as an Asian character has yet to be seen – but did we mention “sexy robot”?

Rating
This looks cyberpunk as fuck. 7/10

The Fate of the Furious

What’s the deal?
As we’re so helpfully informed, Vin Diesel’s high-stakes racer Dom Toretto has gone rogue. He’s turned his back on his fam-bl-y – though for a chance to make out with a villainous Charlize Theron, who wouldn’t? To stop him, the series regulars will have to use every trick on their dashboard, including forcing sworn frenemies Dwayne Johnson and Jason Statham to get along. Best of luck with that.

How’d it do?
When it comes to the Furious franchise, full sentences just get in the way, so —arctic submarine. Giant wrecking ball. Prison riot. Tank top jokes. Actual tank. Fast. Furious. Good. Yes.

Rating
It’s the closest thing modern action cinema has to high opera. 8/10

Logan

What’s the deal?
In a possible future timeline, things have gone far downhill for what’s left of the X-Men. Now going by his non-superhero name Logan, the artist formerly known as Wolverine (Hugh Jackman) defends a decaying Charles Xavier (Patrick Stewart) and forges a bond with a mysterious young girl named Laura who has powers – and an equally mysterious hidden past – of her own. The three of them make for an unlikely team as they attempt to beat back the latest nemesis, the mutant-hunting Reavers.

How’d it do?
The minimalism of the “Amazing Grace” rendition meshes nicely with what looks like a stripped-down, down-and-dirty approach to the typical superhero narrative. Throw in a quick glimpse at Stephen Merchant as the freakish Caliban and a crowd-pleasing shot of Laura leaping through the air, crouching-tiger-style, to claw some dude’s eye out, and we’re in business.

Rating
More like this, please. 8/10

A Cure for Wellness

What’s the deal?
Gore Verbinski’s Goth-horror concoction sends babyfaced executive Dane DeHaan to a severely unsettling “wellness facility” to retrieve his wayward CEO. He soon falls victim to the, ahem, unethical treatments the staff has been experimenting with. Creepy.

How’d it do?
Another marvelous juke-out; the trailer plays like an antidepressant commercial, and the snippets of footage grow more hectic and violent as the possible “side effects” worsen from dry eyes to insanity and self-mutilation. It’s a clever little gambit, and suggests that the soon-to-come film has a good head on its shoulders. (With a mushy, easily liquefied brain, at that.)

Rating
Take two of these and call us in the morning. 9/10

John Wick: Chapter 2

What’s the deal?
John Wick is back, that’s what the hell the deal is! The eagerly-awaited sequel to the Keanu-goes-apeshit action opus sees Mr. Reeves reprise his role as the indestructible hitman on the warpath, punching, kicking and gun fu-ing his way through wave after wave of gangsters. This time, he’ll travel to Rome to assist an old friend attempting to stage a hostile takeover of an international contract-killer’s guild.

How’d it do?
There was probably a brilliant trailer to be made out of straightforward footage from the film, with no shortage of eye-candy beatdowns. Pulling the bait-and-switch by framing the first 10 seconds as a Fifty Shades Darker trailer is just delightful, however – clearly, the franchise has lost none of its sense of morbid humor or shameless fun.

Rating
Yeah, we’re thinking that he’s definitely back. 10/10

Source: rollingstone.com