Seth Meyers<\/a>\u00a0talks childbirth.
\n<\/strong>This past April, Seth Meyers\u2019 wife Alexi went into labor so quickly that she couldn\u2019t even make it out of their New York apartment building. She actually gave birth on the floor of the lobby. The story generated a lot of headlines and it was the centerpiece of Meyers\u2019 10-minute standup routine. \u201cOur relationship with the two doormen is now massively different,\u201d he said. \u201cOne of the doormen, Raoul, now feels like he is family because he witnessed this incredible moment. Kevin, on the other hand, cannot make eye contact with either of us. Kevin is giving us a real \u2018I\u2019ve-seen-your-wife\u2019s-vagina\u2019 vibe.\u201d<\/p>\n2. Jimmy Carr slays the room.<\/strong>
\nBritish comedian Jimmy Carr didn\u2019t seem to be familiar to many in the crowd at the Hulu Theater at Madison Square Garden when he took the stage, but his set of filthy one-liners had the place rolling very, very quickly. Judging by sheer volume and consistency of laugher, he was the biggest hit of the night. Here\u2019s a tiny sampling of the jokes: \u201cBackseat drivers are all the same. They\u2019re all like, \u2018Why are we going to the woods? Please let us go.’\u201d \u201cMy best friend\u2019s wife is having a baby and I said to him, \u2018What do you want? A boy or a girl?\u2019 He thought about it and said, \u2018I wanted a blowjob.’\u201d \u201cThe thing all men like about blowjobs is nothing sexual, it\u2019s the peace and quiet. If you\u2019ve ever been going down on a guy and he\u2019s going \u2018awww\u2019 that\u2019s not your technique, that is the sound of a man not being asked a question.’\u201d<\/p>\n3. Jim Gaffigan lays off the food jokes.<\/strong>
\nGaffigan is a regular presence at Stand Up for Heroes and most years he makes cracks about his weight and heinously unhealthy eating habits, but this time he spent much of his set talking about his recent emergency appendectomy while on vacation in Alaska. \u201cI was airlifted, which was embarrassing,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019m like, you want to be airlifted if you\u2019re dealing with a natural disaster or a wounded soldier. I was a fat guy with a tummy ache. The helicopter pilot was like, \u2018Your stomach hurts? Do you know how much it costs to rent a helicopter?\u2019 During that entire flight I sat there holding my stomach and praying, \u2018Please don\u2019t let this be gas. Sweet Jesus, don\u2019t let this be gas. If it\u2019s gas, I\u2019ll never be able to return to my family.’\u201d<\/p>\n4. Jon Stewart avoids politics.<\/strong>
\nJust one day before the midterms, it felt inevitable that Stewart\u2019s set would be a torrent of political jokes. After all, he hasn\u2019t had\u00a0The Daily Show<\/em>\u00a0to vent his rage in years and this seemed like a great outlet for that. Instead, he talked about his recent overseas trips to entertain the troops and another journey to Scandinavia on a comedy tour. \u201cThe people there are very good looking,\u201d he said. \u201cI\u2019ve never wanted to fuck a region before. It fucked me up a little. Look, I\u2019ll be honest with you. I\u2019m no Hitler fan. I\u2019m a Jewish guy. But after being in Scandinavia, I kinda get what he was going for \u2026 cheekbone-wise.\u201d<\/p>\n5. Eric Church unplugs.<\/strong>
\nAfter a Christie\u2019s representative came out and managed to get the crowd to fork over an astounding $427,000 in just seven minutes, Eric Church took the stage to thunderous applause. Playing just an acoustic guitar, he began the set with the title track to his new album\u00a0Desperate Man<\/em>\u00a0and then followed it up with \u201cHippie Radio,\u201d which was inspired by childhood car trips where his father sang along to Kansas and Warren Zevon songs on the radio. He wrapped up his brief set with the unreleased song \u201cStanding Their Ground,\u201d a tribute to American soldiers. \u201cWhen I go to bed at night I think about those people that are in foreign wars and they are standing on lines and defending lives because our world is defined by those lines,\u201d he said. \u201cThis song is called \u2018Standing Their Ground\u2019 because that is what they do.\u201d<\/p>\n6. Bruce Springsteen tells not one, but two penis jokes.<\/strong>
\nEvery year at Stand Up for Heroes, Bruce Springsteen tries his best to be a comedian and usually does at least a\u00a0somewhat<\/em>\u00a0competent job. His first joke involved a man who writes beautiful songs with odd titles like \u201cHot Tits and Ass on a Saturday Night\u201d and \u201cMy 10-Year-Old Son Is Addicted to Porn.\u201d He gets booked to play a wedding on the condition that he not say the names of the songs in his set. \u201cIt goes over like gangbusters and people were in tears,\u201d Springsteen said. \u201cHe takes a break to go to the bathroom, take a leak and comes out. The mother of the bride comes up and on the way out he forgot to zip himself up. The mother says to him, \u2018Sir, do you know that your penis is hanging out of your pants?\u2019 \u2018Do I know it? I wrote it!’\u201d<\/p>\nThe next one was significantly filthier. It\u2019s about a man whose wife has a voracious sexual appetite. He\u2019s worried she\u2019s going to cheat on him when he goes out of town, so he visits a gypsy woman. She sells him a \u2018voodoo penis\u2019 that\u2019s essentially a magic dildo that works via voice commands. You simply tell it what to do and it obeys, but it won\u2019t stop until you tell it to go somewhere else. (This featured the extremely bizarre sight of Bruce Springsteen uttering the phrase \u201cvoodoo penis, my pussy\u201d in front of thousands of people.) The woman doesn\u2019t know the command to make it stop and after a while gets so freaked out she jumps in the car and drives to a hospital. \u201cShe gets up to 90 miles per hour,\u201d Springsteen said. \u201cFinally she gets stopped by a police officer. He goes, \u2018Lady, what in the hell are you doing?\u2019 She goes, \u2018Officer, you don\u2019t understand. There\u2019s a voodoo penis under this housecoat.\u2019 The officer goes, \u2018Voodoo penis? Voodoo penis my ass!’\u201d<\/p>\n